Thursday, September 24, 2009

15 years of non-solitude

Man and I have been married 15 years today, something to which I can really only credit laziness. Also? vast amounts of alcohol our willingness to listen to each other. To really hear. Hard not to, what with all the shouting.

Now, I know, I know, 15 years is an awfully or just awful long time to be put up with someone, and y'all are probably wondering just how it's done. But really, that's the wrong question. The right question isn't how, but why.

So, herewith, in honor of my 15th wedding anniversary, I give you...


Mad Mad's Top 15 Reasons for Staying Married:


1. Those garbage cans ain't exactly gonna walk itself to the curb, you know.

2. Or back into the barn, either.

3. Those cases of wine aren't light, either, now that you mention it.

4. Who would take the kids to the hotel pool, huh? Exactly. And those are totally like the fifth circle of hell, at least. Between all the naked people (myself included), the hairy people, the splashing people and the shrieking people... AY-YAY-YAY! Totally worth keeping a husband for those occasions alone, I think.

5. When you need to interrupt your vacuuming to call someone and yell "Please tell me this thing plugged in behind the brown chair isn't the frickin' Nintendo DS charger Boy has been looking for all week and blaming me for throwing away ('You're such a mean mom!') or else I am going to unplug it and beat him about the head with it,'' it helps to have someone on the other end who might not call Child Services on ya'.

6. Do you really wanna have to start holding your stomach in all the time again to impress someone else? Nah, right? That just seems like a lot of unnecessary work.

7. Did I do the one about the garbage cans already? 'Cuz that's big. Oh, yeah, it's there. I see it. Hm... in that case....

8. Seriously, though. The garbage cans ARE important, you know.

9. Hockey. It's not for the single mom. No sirree. Three times a week, games God knows where, and at the crack of dawn. A person can't do it by herself. Two parents aren't enough. In fact, hockey might be the actual reason threesomes were invented.

10. I hate math homework. That new math crap. It's totally bogus.

11. Now you, personally, may not have this particular need, but I myself find it quite handy to have someone else's gene pool readily available to blame for our children's behavior (or lack thereof). Now you can probably also do this from a distance, but it doesn't have quite the same immediate rewards as when you can shriek, "Oh my God, she is exactly like YOUR MOTHER!" and, thus absolved of all culpability, storm from the room, leaving someone else to do the hard work. (See Math, above.)

12. Lightbulbs in this house are very high up.

13. It is convenient to have someone available for mice- and bug-removal, too.

14. Old house, old toilets. A person can only do so much plunging on her own.

15. But most importantly of all, I have to stick around a bit longer for this: I am still trying to think of a good comeback for his "compliment" the other day: "You should tell people you're 55. Then they'd think you're really hot."

******************************************************
The folks over at humor-blogs have a feeling Man has his own list somewhere and think Mad Mad's probably very lucky he's blogless.



54 comments:

del said...

Garbage cans, definitely! I'm not taking the trash out, no way.

Happy Anniversary!!

knittergran said...

Congratulations!
We've been married 39 years. It gets easier sometimes, in a "what the hell, I'll ignore that" sort of way.
But still good...
And I save the big scary bugs and things for him.

At Home Mommy Knits said...

A very happy anniversary to you! What about lawn mowing and car maintenance..also very handy to have a boy around :)

Jane said...

Happy Anniversary! The hotel pool is a big one here! and be thankful you only have one boy in hockey. The blessing here is we are going in two different directions on the weekend...and we never see each other :)

Life As I Know It said...

you forgot opening jars of tomato sauce and killing spiders...

=Tamar said...

Yardwork for the win...

Steph said...

55!!!!! he is sooo dead. I guess he can get away with saying that because you look so awesome. but still, he must be punished;)

amy said...

Oh, this is perfect. Happy Anniversary!! We just hit ten years (like a wall.. NO! Just kidding!! it's great). My husband is totally the guy I call in the middle of the day to bitch. He told me recently I'm never happy judging by those phone calls, so I've started calling him when I am. "I'm having soooo much fun with the baby, honey!" Anyway. I digress. You forgot to mention the paperwork. Oy, it seems like such a lot of WORK to get a divorce.

Andrea said...

Hysterical! Seriously... so funny I linked to you!

And Happy Anniversary, by the way!

hokgardner said...

Congratulations! But, one would think that after 15 years of marriage, Man would learn not to say things like #15.

Wendi said...

We've been married 17 years, and the romance must be dead because I had to put the trash cans out myself this morning.

(Congratulations!)

planetnomad said...

Happy Anniversary.

One of the reasons on my list is paperwork. I don't do paperwork. Or taxes.

Also the evil personified that is the French educational system has our oldest going to PE at the high school downtown at 8 a.m. on Saturday mornings. I'm not driving him.

These are good reasons.

Barb said...

Here's one I never realized was so important until my daughter had a little friend over the other day: This little girl's parents are multiply married and the way she played house was along the lines of this, "Okay, so, you be the the dad's girlfriend and I'll be the stepdaughter of the second wife..."

Beth said...

Interesting compliment. Have you considered pouting, crying and acting all hurt-ey? You might get some jewelry. Or better yet, a case of wine.

Happy Anniversary!

Suzy said...

It's posts like this that make me grateful for the single, child-free life I have. I only have myself to blame and it turns out I'm pretty lenient on myself when I screw up.

Hillary (aka Mrs. Einstein) said...

Happy Anniversary!

kim said...

Last week, as I'm feeding the dogs, checking all the last-minute things, throwing my third bag over my shoulder to leave for work.... I hear, "Hey, do you think you could carry out the recyclable trash? I'm running late, and it's really hard for me to carry everything." He is SO lucky I didn't brain him with the blue bin! Since you've been at this twice as long as I have and went the extra mile of giving birth, I wish you a very Happy Anniversary!

Rose Red said...

Happy (I think?) Anniversary!

I'd add mowing the lawns and putting petrol in the car to the list (I hate doing that - dunno why, but I do) to the list.

Also, I hope he got you a darn good present after #15!!

ree said...

We're looking at hitting 18 years this Monday! I agree with EVERYTHING on your list. ;-)

Congratulations!!!! (and yes, alcohol most definitely helps)

Suburban Correspondent said...

Bugs and mice top my list. And carpooling...

Cathy said...

congrats! I'm looking at my 16th anniversary in November--where did all this time go?

lilypotter said...

Congratulations! My 5 year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks... I might borrow this list...

SubWife said...

He said #15 and you are still married? As in you are not willfully widowed? You are an angel, so there no "his" list.

Bells said...

i ran that last line by Sean. He declared he didn't think that would work.

I reckon he's right.

Happy anniversary!

Geek Knitter said...

Happy anniversary to you. My husband is the designated mower-of lawns and is also in charge of Spider Removal.

lucky knitter said...

This is why God invented trash!
:)
Happy Anniversary!

Lucy said...

Congratulations and I hope you enjoyed your Anniversary!

I have been married 22 years and I laughed my butt off while reading this!!!!

Gray Matter said...

It occurs to me that #14 about plunging toilets would probably be less of an issue if there weren't a grown man around the house. I'm just saying.

Happy Anniversary--looks good on you!

Magpie said...

#14 is key in my house too.

La'Tonya Richardson said...

You made some very good arguments. A few of yours including, I don't know crap about cars, are the very reasons I've hung in there for 19 years.

Happy Anniversary

I'm gonna tell Mom! said...

I'd add having someone to do the taxes to my list. Alot of the stuff on your list is stuff I do. Which makes me think HIS list of reasons to stay married has to be longer than mine.
kim

Yeah So said...

Hilarious list. In my house he does all the cooking so if he weren't around I'd starve - but hey....I have been meaning to lose that weight...

Seanna Lea said...

Wow. 15 reasons and only 4 of them are garbage cans!

I take out most of the recycling and occasionally the garbage, though it makes me grumpy. I figure that if I am doing all of the cooking and most of the dishes then he can take out the garbage.

Sandra said...

I'm laughing outloud in my cubicle at work. I may need to share this so people don't think I'm crazy around here. Okay, they already think that, but whatever.

Manic Mommy said...

Toilets, bugs, trash, taking the puppy out in the middle of the night. Yep, that about covers it.

Happy Anniversary, you flatterer, you.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Spraying for ants would be on my list.

Happy Anniversary!

Donna Lee said...

In a few weeks, we'll hit 28 (I was a child bride, I swear!). All kidding aside? I wouldn't trade him for anyone. He's put up with me all these years and is grateful for me putting up with him. I don't do puke, trash cans, lawn mowing, or dead things. He doesn't do laundry. Sounds fair to me.

TinkingBell said...

d you can add - someone to eat the leftovers and someone to pay for dinner

Happy anniversary!

Susan said...

Geez. I do most all those things and the taxes. He does wrangle the can to the curb most weeks, though. Not sue that is enought - but it has been 25 years next month.

Shelley said...

Congratulations Madmad and Man. You two are the best. Seriously.
Actual conversation with 14 year-old daughter while driving home from school:

Her - "I hope dad doesn't get in a wreck or something in this weather driving home from work."
Me - "Yeah, I really need him around...him and his income."
Her - "That's all you need him for?"
Me - "Well that, and taking out the garbage."

Now I'm a little worried about her growing up with a warped view of marriage, and what boys are good for. Because I totally forgot to mention the yardwork and bug-killing.

Chica said...

Happy Anniversary and I completely agree with the "garbage cans" piece and also, for me, emptying out the vacuum canisters. I HATE doing this... Oh and also, taking out all the recycling that piles up near the back door!

the mama bird diaries said...

very funny post.

happy anniversary!

Five Ferns Fibreholic said...

I wonder if he likes arsenic in his eggs?

leslie said...

oh my gosh... you are hilarious. i was laughing so hard... especially about that threesome comment.

happy happy anniversary.....

Grumpy Momma said...

As we were chatting one day, a coworker of mine mentioned that she and her husband were going out to celebrate 15 happy years. I congratulated her and asked what it's like to have been married 15 years. She said oh, no, they'd been MARRIED for 28. It worked out to about 15 HAPPY ones, though.

TLCknits said...

Happy Anniversary... and well..b/c my hubby looks EXTREMELY young but is older.. when I'm 55, I have me a boy-toy!!!

A Tired Wife said...

Congratulations.

My reason ... men fix things with hammers and nail and caulk.

Mrs. R said...

#6 is a classic.

RivkA with a capital A said...

Happy anniversary!

We just celebrated our 16th!!

Best reason to stay married: who wants to break in a ANOTHER one!!

;-)

(please don't tell my husband that I wrote that!)

nicole said...

awesome

a friend to knit with said...

show me a Christmas tree or SOMETHING, woman!!!

miss you!

Leslie said...

Nice! Thanks for not wimping out with the gushy sentimental one at the end. You rock!

Miss Mac said...

This is hilarious! Nice blog!

a friend to knit with said...

hello?
hello?
anyone home?
come out come out where ever you are!!!