Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Ou est la lune?

Dear Madame:*

The dog at my kid's homework.

Due to a doctor's appointment, Boy was unable to complete his homework assignment.

OK. Fine. Whatever. It was me. I lost it. Yes, again. OK? Alright? Happy?

Listen. We covered this already, five years ago when Girl went through First Grade. I have not gotten any better at keeping pieces of paper for an entire month in order to chart the moon's path through the sky.

Why can't you just tell them what the moon does? I am sure they will believe you. They believe anything at this age. C'mon. Make it work for you, honey. Santa, Easter Bunny, Daylight Savings Ogre who will come get you if you even think of getting out of that bed, mister. He doesn't care if it's only 6:30 - it's dark now. Get back in bed!

I have no excuse for the lost homework. I am just a bad mommy who finds it complicated enough to get dressed every morning, let alone to hold onto a piece of paper for 31 days (and nights).

Seriously. Did you know I was fully 38 years old before I realized belts weren't just for men? It never occurred to me I was supposed to be wearing them, too. So really, this type of organization seems like a lot to ask of someone who hasn't even mastered the finer points of something as basic as belts, don't you think?

Also? The moon comes out at night, which of course you probably already know, what with being a teacher and everything.

What you also probably already know, what with being Boy's teacher, is that by the end of the day, one gets pretty... well, tired of him, to be frank. I don't need an extra half an hour at the end of the day, hunting for a moon through the trees. I need for him to be in bed, asleep.

So this moon business is kind of getting on my nerves. And we're only half way done with the month!

Did you know that once I even remembered the assignment (a mere nine days in, plus a day to hunt down the chart you sent home...) we did go out looking for the moon, only to find that all the massive trees in our yard blocked it from view?

So, not only were we now outside in jammies, freezing, looking for the moon and trying not to step in dog poop, we now had to go get the car keys and DRIVE to the nearest McMansion development in order to see it. I am sure you can grasp the irony of using gasoline to visit the site of that ecologically sound practice of clear-cutting old growth in order to view... the moon.

Not only does this offend my environmental sensibilities, it tends to prolong the day, which is also offensive to my stay-at-home mom sensibilities. (See above.) Pretty much like most SAHMs, I am just running out the clock here, lady, not looking for ways to make that day any longer, if you know what I mean.

But we kept at it anyway, because we understand the value of punishing the moms for leaving you with their children all day learning responsibility and completing assignments. Even on those nights when there was no moon to be found. Those were the most fun, by the way.

But anyway, after all that trouble, I've lost the paper. But don't worry, I am sure we will find it by tomorrow as soon as my good friend Sue, a good mommy, drops off a copy of her daughter's.

Sincerely,

Boy's mom

*Boy attends school in French because Man and I thought, "Why not make his life as difficult as he makes ours?" and also, we felt like we should definitely have him learn a language that people the world over speak... provided, of course, they are (mostly) originally from France. Never mind that whole declining population thing there - even if the only people left speaking French in the whole world are Boy and his little gang of white-bread suburbanites, there's at least that whole "language of diplomacy" thing. Maybe it'll come in handy when those football playing bullies pick on them for being little French ninnies.

37 comments:

Moi said...

Je parle francais. Fat lot of good it has done me in TX.

Did you know you can go on the internets and track the moon's path for the whole month in advance?

Is that cheating? He could track the path, then just go outside to verify that NASA was right. 8^)

suburbancorrespondent said...

Yes, my attitude is, "Look, you've got them 35 hours a week. Whatever you can't get done in that chunk of time, doesn't get done, all right? Don't go pushing your job off on me." Well, that would be my attitude, if I weren't stupid enough to educate them at home instead. But staying up late to do something like that - no way. I'm off duty at 8.

suburbancorrespondent said...

Oh, and I'm pushing French on my kids too. Because that's the foreign language I know. I don't need them speaking to each other in a language where I don't know what they are saying about me. And I like French. You can always visit Canada.

CZgal01 said...

I think I remember this assignment, we did look it up on the internet because I sure as heck was NOT keeping the kids up to see if the moon was out or not. I am with "surbubancorrespondent" - I think homework has become something that school's figure is a "family activity"! Like I need to repeat 4th grade!!!

amy said...

Oh, I'd be terrible at this sort of thing. I'd also be telling them if they can't get it done during the ridiculous amounts of time they have the kids, then that's THEIR problem. I don't know why school districts get all up in a tither about homeschooling when they practically make all y'all educate your own kids anyway. (What do they DO with them all day?!?!)

kim said...

What?! You have to do homework too?!! Yet another reason not to have children... (unless, of course, that's your thing. In which case, better you than me...)

TLCknits said...

I beleive there's more homework NOW than when we were in school!!! and the projects???? the grades brought home on such are the parent's grades!!! not the kids, these days....

JMC said...

This was SO funny, because I am the same way (of course). My daughter is in first grade and has these "Everyday Math" calendars AND reading calendars, where I'm supposed to initial what she does and then SEND IN AT THE END OF THE MONTH. Uh huh. We lose the calendars in the PILES of paper the kids bring home daily. Whatever happened to computers ushering in a paperless society? Anyway, we're a month into school and the teacher already has had to send home extra calendars. I did find an old one from kindergarten under a bunch of papers, though. Does that count?

Family Adventure said...

I am so with you on this one. I detest all those assignments that take a little bit of work every day. Like who has time to keep up with that? Give me a project that is due tomorrow, and I am all over that (sorta. I'll get it done, anyway), but these week or month long thingys - keep those for school hours PLEASE.
In short, I'll sign that petition if you like.
- Heidi

NeedleTart said...

Hmmm...Interesting. I was a sub in kindergarten and first grade today and I know that both classes had books sent home for the students to read to Mom and Dad. Kindergarten. Reading aloud. Real interesting stuff, too. (I see a turtle. I see tickets.) Yup, I teach and I wonder what the administration is thinking. (Je parle Francais, aussi.)

jenfromRI said...

Um, is this a bad time to mention that I have given students the "tracking the moon" assignment? High school students, though . . . does that help?

Beau said...

I had the "track the moon" assignment back in the day (high school). Sadly, there was no internet at that time. Sigh.

jenfromri - better hope your students haven't figured out that they can get their homework done for them by NASA :)

Barb said...

Dude, You can look up and print out a phases of the moon chart and once you do that, you can have Boy copy it down. Our local weather station guy has one on his website. He's VERY into this whole moon thing. And he should be, God love him. Me? Not so much.

I hate homework.

Barb said...

Oh and I had to tell you that I have no idea what language I'm going to force my children to take because I only speak German, neither my husband nor I speak Spanish and Texas is Bigger than France, as we like to say to people who haven't heard about Lance Armstrong's Texas-sized ASS WHIPPING in the Tour de France for seven, count them, seven straight years.

Lela said...

Eugh, I hate homework. What is with giving kids homework in K-3rd grade anyway? You could have my kids teacher, hands out the homework then doesnt' collect it.

Georgie said...

Ah, the things I have to look forward to.

Do you call them McMansions too? Interesting, but also very sad (that you ahve them - blight on the landscape, yerch)

The Hotfessional said...

The french thing is cool - you are in Canada, right? -hee hee

By the way - I've cheated on 1st grade homework. Seriously. Worst mom in the world. But y'know, reading for 30 minutes every night? I did that. I really did. But tracking it every night? And the number of pages? Not. Me.

Donna Lee said...

What are 1st graders doing up that late? My kids were in bed by 8 pm until I could no longer force them. Now I am in bed hours before they are. If it's after 10, they don't bother to look for me "mom's asleep".

Swistle said...

My first grader came home with an assignment the other day: he had to draw a floor plan of his house, complete with windows, doors, smoke alarms, and emergency paths out. _I_ can't even draw a floor plan.

GRAY MATTER MATTERS said...

I'd leave more of a comment, except, holy merde, I just realized that we, I mean he, has a book report due.

Fiar said...

I'm fairly certain that the best solution is to simply nuke the moon.

TinkingBell said...

Gawd! You mean I've got this to look forward to - bad enough at the moment with the boring readers' Hop hop hop I am hopping' Blaaahhhh!!
Teach Boy to use the internet - he'll make up for being a french nerd by being the first kid in class to find and seel access to the porn sites!

Kelley said...

hmmmm, I need you to help me write the next note that I have to send to school explaining that the girls didn't hand in their homework because:

their BROTHER ate it.

That was an interesting conversation with the principal explaining why my daughter was not going to do detention because she was telling the truth....

Oooh and lets do it in French to really piss the teachers off!

Jejune said...

LOL, oh you poor thing! Sorry, ok, I'm not laughing any more. Well, only a bit. This is a serious matter. YOU are not going to primary school. YOU are not home schooling. YOU shouldn't have to do this! At the very least YOU should get a nice certificate at the end of the year, for Being a Helpful Mummy, and Services To Your Children Above and Beyond the Call of Duty. Plus a star sticker.

I can't really talk, tho - my 16 year old Dotter has 'literacy problems' and I'm the one who tutors and helps her through every. damn. essay. We get good marks :p

Five Ferns Fibreholic said...

Well now you'll have to come visit. We can speak in French (everyone except DH...we can just laugh at his French) and look at the moon from my front deck.

My grade oner has only brought home reading assignments so I guess that I lucked out.

Victoria said...

Hilarious! (I'd say that in French, but my family forced German on me...yet another useful language these days).

PS - I've cheated on my 2nd graders homework by um, "researching" things on the interet.

BOSSY said...

Bossy thinks this should be entitled, "Ou est la loony."

(You so funny.)

Innocent Observer said...

Gawd I hate homework! When we loose an assignment (and by we I do mean me!) the teacher won't replace it. And when I complain about the homework they tell me "just wait until X year, if you think this is bad you are going to hate that!" Sure, that's helpful. And guess what? I have a child who has been through X grade and it wasn't an issue.

I can't stand this idea of pushing kids hard in the early years because when they get older they need study skills. Please! Someday they will be reproducing too...should we get them started on sexual positions now?!?! Okay, a bit extreme, but boy I HATE homework!

I would never be willing to keep my kid up every night for a month to look at the moon. Yikes!

And I pulled one of my kids a month into 4th grade because the homework was so over the top. I did tell them "I can homeschool a complete curriculum in the time it takes to do your homework". I thought that would make them listen, but no.

cbh said...

Well. I'll confess something. The other night while my kindergartener was in the bath, after we'd finished his homework and done all other chores of the day, I found another sheet of homework under the others: a sheet of lowercase "i"s to trace. My kid knows how to write a lowercase "i." I wanted him to go to bed after the bath. I did not want up for another 10 minutes tracing "i"s.

I traced them. I traced them and I wrote his name in childish handwriting at the top of the page, and I put the sheet back in his folder. So if mine grows up unable to properly form the lowercase i it is totally my fault.

Mean Mommy said...

That comment above was from me, Ashley. My sister had signed in to her account on my computer when she was over today and I didn't realize it. She does not have a kindergartener. She is young and hip. Just letting you know!

Allena said...

MadMad, I wanted to tell you, I read Pineapple Princess, and I have written a comentary in your honor on the horrors of poop and motherhood. I thought you would enjoy it.

www.allena.thethreeringranch.com

Brook Ann ( the Great ) said...

My daughter is one, I know nothing about homework. I am sure I will be the mother that loses the paper, I lose a lot of things. I love you blog, you are hilarious. I have been reading it for the last hour, loved the one to God about Walmart and House guests, Hilarious. I need more hilarious in my life. Thank you

Persnickety Knitter said...

Gah, I hate those type of assignments. We seem to always have projects about tracking damn weather for days on end -- who the heck knows what type of clouds those are?? At least, as homeschoolers, when we lose the paper we can just move on to the next project. :)

Diesel said...

I just had to build a rocket for my daughter for Space Day. Er, I had to HELP her build a rocket. Yeah, that's it. Because 6 year olds pretty much know 90% of what goes into rocket building anyway.

Cathy said...

This post confirms all my fears involving future homework.

I procrastinate. In junior high and high school, I did my homework during each class preceding the one in which homework was due. Did that sentence make sense?

Typical day:

Do History homework on the bus.
Do Algebra homework during History.
Write English essay during Algebra.
Write yearbook captions for journalism class.

You get the idea.

Not sure exactly how I will continue to cultivate my laziness once the little darlings have homework of their own.

Daisy said...

I agree with the first post -- Moi -- get it from the internet and be done with it already! :-) There's nothing worse than hunting around the house for your kid's homework.

Mijra said...

On sending your child to French school: also, you never know when said child is (after spending twenty years declaring that French is uninteresting and France is boring) going to up and move there. At least, that's what my mother said. Except I never got to go to French school.

(Sorry for the late--and very random--commenting from a visitor.)